Today BTS introduces a new feature entitled “On the Couch with Dr. Art Vandelay, M.D.” Made possible by placing a listening device on the inside cover of Dr. Vandelay’s Coffee Table book on his coffee table, BTS will, from time to time, listen and transcribe the conversations of some of the talented psychiatrist’s most notable patients. Today, please find the first session between Dr. Vandaley (DV) and The Tea Party (TTP).
DV: What brings you here today?
TTP: Some Obama-appointed, socialist-loving, activist judge ordered me to anger management counseling.
TTP: I got arrested in the Mall?
DV: The mall? What did you do?
TTP: I was minding my own business when some lady wearing presidential blue and a button that said, “Hope” walked by me. Allegedly I yelled at her and ripped the button off her blouse, causing the woman to scream and run. When she did, her shirt came off cause I hadn’t completely removed the button. Some jack-booted, UN-trained mall “cop” then grabbed me and I justifiably reacted by kicking her commie-sympathizing “rear end” down the escalator.
DV: Do you always speak in hyphens and quotes?
DV: Never mind. Was the woman you allegedly grabbed hurt?
TTP: Hope? No she’s fine.
DV: Hope who? I am a bit confused.
TTP: That was her name, Hope. Her button read, “Hope, how can I help you (23 years of dedicated service to our customers)”.
DV: So her name was Hope?
TTP: That’s what they said.
DV: What did the judge tell you?
TTP: After swearing allegiance to the Obama-led socialist takeover of America, he said I needed to learn how be more civil. So he ordered me here for 6 months of “therapy”. But I will tell you what, after we take back our country from the tax and spend intellectuals on November 2nd; I ain’t coming here no more.
DV: You realize that a non-partisan, municipal Judge appointed by the non-partisan Mayor ordered you here; and that he will still be a judge after November 2?
TTP: In name only…after we save our nation from the greatest danger ever faced, those against us will be mere head dressings.
DV: Well, interesting analysis but let’s move away from politics and discuss you.
DV: When did you first begin to notice your strong reactions to stimulus such as that in the mall incident?
TTP: Stimulus? That was the biggest crock in our history. A 1 trillion dollar boondoggle for the anti-American unemployed.
DV: We are getting off track again Tea. Can I call you “Tea”?
TTP: I really prefer “General Tea Party”.
DV: Um, oookay. Are you in the Service?
TTP: Sir, we are all in the service; the service of saving our nation from those who disagree with us.
DV: Fine, ah um, General Tea Party, when did you first notice your anger?
TTP: Some might call it anger; I call it the spirit that made our country great.
DV: General, all I want to know is when did you first have feelings like you did in the mall when you saw Hope dressed in presidential blue?
TTP: That’s tough question. But I guess it started in 1932.
DV: Wow, not sure we have enough time today but give me the gist.
TTP: Roosevelt you nitwit! He began to transform our great, independent country into the socialist-communist-fascist country it is today.
DV: Didn’t President Roosevelt help defeat the fascist?
TTP: Don’t bring facts into this; it’s how I feel.
DV: Good, good; that’s what we are here to discuss, your feelings.
TTP: I don’t have “feelings”. You think I am some sort of, you know, fancy pants, diet coke-drinking, homo?
DV: No… well at least I don’t think so.
TTP: I am all about action and reaction. We don’t have the luxury to sit around feeelling all day. Not when our rights are being stolen from us every second.
DV: That must be awful. Who is stealing from you?
TTP: The Obama-brainwashed government that’s who.
DV: How? How is the Obama-brainwashed government stealing from you?
TTP: They are stealing my country from me. Diluting my power by sharing it with people of difference?
DV: How was Hope a person of difference?
TTP: I could tell. Instinct!
DV: What’s your instinct say about me?
TTP: Let’s just say that after November 2, you won’t matter.
DV: Hmm, unfortunately our time is up. We can pick up here next week. Did you by chance talk to the office administrator about payments and insurance?
TTP: Yes, thanks. My insurance will cover this even though it’s a pre-existing condition. Some new law or something.
DV: I see; till next week then.