REAGAN: Weell children, how was school today?
TEDDY: That’s nothing, I baked an entire Thanksgiving dinner on an M-16 at the shooting range.
DONNY: Probably tasted like shit!
TEDDY: Oh Donny, you’re a riot!
DONNY: Hey Dad, I spent my allowance and owe some school chums a bunch of cash. Can you cover me?
(Collective groans, Donny kicks Ricky hard under the table.)
REAGAN: Now Donny, what have I told you about being fiscally responsible?
TEDDY: I know Dad, but I did like you told me and trickled my money around to folks not nearly as rich as me.
REAGAN: Good boy … I guess we could bail you out this time. But (points his finger at Donny) this will be the last time, OK Donny?
DONNY: Yeah, yeah … I mean, yes Sir, ah thanks Dad.
SANTI: I’ll pray that you get bailed out real quick Donny … just like I pray for the Duggar family.
REAGAN: How was your day Ricky?
RICKY: (Sheepishly) Not so great Daddy Raven, oops … I mean Reagan. I got D’s in history and English. (Tries to be excited) But I got a C minus in math!
(Unbridled laughter throughout the table; waiter attempts to stifle giggle.)
REAGAN: (Puts up arms to settle down everyone) Like I’ve said hundreds even tens of times, book work can be over weighted. Kind of like bad movie reviews or reports of the effectiveness of Nicaraguan Contras. Focus on what really matters son, things like learning how to give the appearance of being a grizzled military veteran without ever seeing combat or how to blame worldwide pandemics on homosexuals.
(Every heads nods affirmatively, Huck pulls out monogrammed pen from blazer and begins taking notes. Donny looks at left foot, then right, then left again. Lindsay just looks confused.)
MARCO: (Stepping into the void) I developed a twelve point plan in both English and Spanish on how my school can be pro-immigrant, anti-illegals, pro-life, pro-gun, pro-Cuban people, anti-Cuban, pro-economy, anti-communist, and pro-environmental oil drilling.
REAGAN: Impressive, what class was this for?
RAND: What about keeping teachers from searching students’ lockers? Is that in YOUR plan?
MARCO: Well, I …
CHRISSY: (Interrupts Marco and looks at Rand, spittle runs down his chin as he speaks.) What do you know about keeping students safe? Huh? When I was student class president, there was a kid whose mother made him liverwurst sandwiches every day. Well this kid, he hated liverwurst, not like me, I love a good liverwurst sandwich. But this kid, he kept every one of those uneaten liverwurst sandwiches in his locker till one day kids in the hallway just started to feint from the horrible smell of rotten liverwurst. If we’d had locker inspections, I’d never of had to comfort those poor kids.
RAND: (Progressively speaks louder till he’s yelling) The CONSTITUTION, the CONSTITUTION, the CONSTITUTION, the CONSTITUTION, the CONSTITUTION … there must be a wall of Constitutional protection from unauthorized searches.
REAGAN: A wall? Tear down that WALL!
DONNY: You know a lot about walls, don’t you Lindsay, like the kind that keep people in closets.
LINDSAY: Donny, you’re a horrible, horrible person.
BENNY: Do I get to talk?
JEBBY: Why of course you do Ben, cause you’re my friend, my brother. You guys all my brothers. And I love each one of you despite what you may hear at school.
BENNY: That’s great, because I have a lot to offer this wonderful family. Simple solutions to complex problems. So what if our Dad traded arms for hostages with Iran, violated the Constitution by illegally funding the Contras, tripled the national debt from $900 billion to $2.8 trillion, raided the Social Security Trust fund, gave amnesty to 3 million Undocumented Immigrants, never mentioned the words AIDS or HIV until seven years into his presidency, set this country on its current path of income inequality by cutting taxes for wealthier Americans while increasing taxes on the Middle Class, or laid the ground work for the Taliban in Afghanistan; the solution is all the same.
EVERYONE: (Eagerly.) What is it? Tell us!
BENNY: The flat tax.
EVERYONE: Of course! Impressive. Brilliant.
BENNY: Oh, and just one other minor thing.
BENNY: We kill everyone with an IQ under 85 … sorry Ricky.
EVERYONE: Hmm? Well, um, huh … may need to give that last part a little thought.
BOBBY: I’m not saying you’re wrong here … but maybe, well, could we just do an exorcism instead? That might work.
RICKY: (Shakes head, agreeing vigorously.)
JOHNNY K: Hey Dad! Wheeen do I get to sit at the grown up table?
(Everyone ignores him.)
REAGAN: You’ve been quiet Carly.
CARLY: Just tired Dad, running for student council president gets pretty exhausting; always having to explain how I’m better than everyone else.
REAGAN: Just run on your record as student council member, that should be easy.
CARLY: DAAAD! (Gets up from table in a huff.)
REAGAN: What did I say this time?
JOHNNY K: Remember, last year? She spent all that time and lost by like 400 votes, out of 500.
REAGAN: Oh yeah…Well let this be a lesson to all my children. Don’t let low intelligence, lack of experience, bad ideas, inappropriate conduct, poor interpersonal skills or narrow mindedness keep you from reaching your dreams, or for that matter, messing up the dreams of others.
EVERYONE: Thanks Dad, you’re the greatest!